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Marble Surface

Complaint to Celisen

Dear C, Here I am. This is me. I'm here for a man to - well whatever you are - talk. To settle the scores, if need be, and to kill our differences. I used to think of you as a woman. That's maybe because you were different from the image of a woman I had then. You're still different from the perceived image of women I have now, but that image is now extremely blurry, tainted and flickering. So I am unsure of what you are because I'd like to think you aren't any of those things. Talk to me, C. Please tell me when I offended you, or where I put my step wrong. Please tell me if it was (or is) you, and not me. Please tell me whatever is going on. I don't think I told you this, but I am dealing with recovering from amnesia. It's not the kind of amnesia where I have no memory of my existence. That is intact. What I have lost, in the past three years, is filling within the cornucopia. I've lost who I was - identity-wise, in the sense that I am a stranger to everyone who knew and myself. Gone is the self who knew what I liked and disliked. Gone is the personality that was once so sure of himself that he could wage war on behalf of his beliefs. My father once described me as someone who, if right, would not apologize to a thousand people, but if wrong, would have no qualms about apologizing to a hundred thousand. I am trying to re-find that person. And within that process, I've found a me who still won't apologize to a thousand people, but will worry about coming across as arrogant. I now look into the mirror and see someone who finds nothing wrong in apologizing, but fears that will make him a pushover in others' eyes. Where did this uncertainty in myself come from? My theory is that it stemmed from having the opportunity to think back and trying to see how I was seen. Have you ever tried to hold a torch on top of your head and tried to put a spotlight on yourself? If you have, you'd know that it is always skewed, based on what angle you're pointing from. From all of those biased viewpoints then, came across a view of not being liked. Most of it was true. And no, I am not saying this from under another torch held above my head. This time I have a lamp tall enough to sit under and provide me with a more objective 'view'. Anyway, most of the observations of me not being liked were true. They were either dominated by people who couldn't really see me for who I am or were intimidated by me - from what characteristic, I still do not know. But the root is the same, I wasn't bothered to be seen as someone worth understanding as a human being, so was left alone, often as a mystery. There was also a very small minority who did see me as worth something. Sometimes it was me, or occasionally other factors which happened to push them away. As of now, they're bygones, water under bridges burnt ages ago. Now though, I'll come to the point where I need you to tell me what happened between us. Did you, first and foremost, see me as worth understanding? If yes, was it then a case of me pushing you away? Or is it something I newly fear? I fear you may be among the recent trend of people who find me tolerable. Worthy, even. And then I come across far too strong for their liking. The movie is ten times more hard-hitting than the trailer made it out to be. So they back out. I am offered many things, and then it seems people realise that they've bitten off more than they can chew. Maybe it is me, and I've been taking customs as compulsions and empty pretences for assurance and trust. Anyway, if you feel you are in that group of people, let me know. Because for once, I do not intend to change. This is what I am now, and bending about in every which direction for others has now made me very unhappy with myself. The road is long and fragmented in front of me, and I cannot see any glimmer in front of me. But that doesn't matter, I haven't come this far without a backbone, and however much it hurts now, it is the one I have, and it is the one I'll walk with. I think this is what the young'uns call sending a spicy text. Anyway, love always, Vish


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