Is the demolition of one’s self awareness deterioration or growth?
I was supposed to embark onto a new journey approximately two years ago - I was confident, self assured and knew my psyche and traits.
Or so I thought.
After about 700 days, I sit at about two in the night; battered, alone, lost, and defeated. I look into the mirror and don’t recognise me. I don’t know how the mirror will react when I try to talk to it. That always seemed to help, talking to myself, until I realised I have nothing to say, except sorry to the mirror. I’ve failed my own self within me.
I look at my shoulders and they seem bruised, from holding up weight or from extensive lending - I know not. I look at my eyes and I see a wail in there, a get me out plea which vanishes the moment I try to address it. I open my mouth to look at my tongue and it seems charred by the brunt of its heat. I look at someone I don’t recognise, not because that person isn’t me; but because I didn’t know how I became that person.
It took hours and years to find myself. And it seems that in the past two years I’ve lost myself again. Where do I find myself? And how? How do I fish out that one wailing plea within me? How do I know what’s happening with me when I have no idea what’s happened to me?
At this point, this looks like a massive deterioration from what I was. People who knew me 4 years ago do not recognise me, and people who recognise me now do not know me.
And even if it is growth, is it a good one? How do I know it’s not weeds? How do I convince myself that weed isn’t all my soil can grow anymore?
When will the mirror say thank you to me?