Letter To Celisen, 17th September 2018
Let’s just say, people know about you and me. And that might just be my fault.
I am not sure if an apology suffices, but within the narrow boundaries of meagre things I can provide you, it the best which I can offer now. Your angry quiet is very plausibly vindicated, and it’s fitting that even you reach out to yourself, for introspection is to the soul what water is to thirst.
Your reticence led to voids in my nights. There were gaps wherein I could not do, see hear or think anything. As you know, I’ve been there before, but back then you were the escape, and now you were the cause. Despite that, these voids weren’t troubling as many.
You see, things have changed. Times have changed. And probably, I’ve changed as well. As someone who forays into the wilderness out of choice rather than curiosity, I found myself stuck in a vivid maze of machines and bricks – an utterly new dimension of wilderness. Although I am not very certain that I’ve changed perceptively, I leave the deceptive chalice of perception at your lips, as you’ve earned the right to judge me as harshly as you want to.
As I said, I am in an altogether new level of wilderness, some things have remained the same. The rain is still with me, and it refuses to be quiet at times, much to my (your?) fury. Rains, I’ve found, are like good poetry. You can only enjoy the rain when you’re completely immersed in it or when you hear it in peace – something I have been able to do recently. I genuinely feel that people who appreciate rains also appreciate the subtler things in life. Night rains are a different beast altogether. They resemble the subconscious that roars and drops while you’re asleep. People who love the night rains are generally on the road to self-awareness, I feel.
Beyond that, there’s a notable dissonance between my heart and my mind.
My heart beats differently here. It’s very.. happy. And it isn’t used to it. Just like an 11-year-old Harry Potter was confused about being told that he was a wizard, my heart is befuddled about being happy. It is joyous and chirpy, while also being anxious and wary of this entire episode being a sham. And the nags of anxiousness come from my ever skeptical mind – which is not its fault either. My mind is the centre of logic, and logic doesn’t accept anything which defies trends.
As you know, I’ve been fighting the dark for a while, and slowly it has become my comfort zone. Now, I’ve been ushered into the light, and it is scaring me. Not because I’m pushed into something different, but because the I’m so used to the dark I’m scared that the light may hurt me or blind me. I may be darkness’ step-son, and I’m afraid of the unacceptance of light.
Let’s put it this way; I’m not afraid of the light as a vampire is. I’m anxious about it as Batman is, cause without the night, both him and I are nothing.
I need to adjust to good now. I need to adjust to some acceptance, and I need to adjust to belongingness. I need to balance the hands on my shoulders and the hugs. I need to adjust to being happy.
Am I being too whiny? Are my questions valid?
Anyway, glad to finally reach out to you again. I’m sorry, I am terrible at apologizing and reconcillation.
Your stargazing apprentice; Funadrius.